Momma's Got A Brand New Bag

(Sometimes I hate trying to come up with post titles)

I bought this today at Target. This photo doesn't do it justice, however. The inside contains several sections, including a padded one for my laptop. There is a wallet compartment, a phone compartment, and something perfect for diapers. See, I'm not really a purse person. Don't get me wrong, I love great bags. But I hate toting a purse around and I tend to get tired of them very easily. Also, I can't justify spending loads of cash on a purse that I'm going to toss in the backseat and onto the floor of the ladies room and spill apple juice inside of...you get my drift.

I currently carry a canvas bag from J.Crew:


Loved it for about 4 months. It's just simple enough to work for me. But the downsides are: no sturdy bottom so the purse leans to whichever side carries the most weight, a canvas bottom so it will need a good washing by now, and only one small zip pocket with no other compartments. It served it's purpose for 4 months and now I'm moving on to a bag more suited for work/mommydom.

My ideal bag would be stylish but have the accoutrements of a Mountainsmith pack:

I loved this pack. It totally worked for my Kanakuk/K-Life days. You know, 'cause I had to carry my bible, and my Beth Moore bible study, and my journal...my life was so WILD! Seriously though, why doesn't Mountainsmith make diaper bags?

On a totally different note, Russ and I have begun* the P90X workouts. I'm scared to even mention this because it means...dun dun dun...accountability. But I need to let folks know so they understand why I must grab the back of my knees to ensure that I can pick my legs up to move them forward. Or why sitting up might bring a torrent of hot, salty tears from my eyes.

*I said BEGUN! I can't promise anything more than that, people.

Love in a Choke Hold

The other day I stopped by Chelsea's to talk and we let the girls run amok while we drank wine talked about important things. I glanced over to see Caroline gingerly putting her hands around Davy's neck and thought, "uh oh - let's see where this leads" only to watch as C placed a very tender kiss upon her cousin's cheek. Caroline is practicing to become the world's best big sister. (Get on the ball, Chels) Anyway, we made her do it about 30 more times so I could score a quick video...

Ode To My Baby Girl, on Her First Year

(Warning: long hormonal post to follow)

Lovey, nigh upon a year ago you went and turned my life upside down...



See that? That's me, suddenly wondering who I am, and terrified that I might get lost in the terror of a newborn baby, something I up and did real quick so that navigation back to my former self would prove impossible. Dear Kathryn Davy, this past year you took me on the ride of my life. And I would do it over...and over...and over again. Because I've never experienced the kind of love that makes you realize the bridge to who you used to be has been burned and you can't go back and you're even GRATEFUL for that loss of your bearings. Onward ho! With no other choice!




Davy, you had only been a part of my life for a month or so when I realized that suddenly my life had become scarier. It wasn't just that your Daddy and I didn't know why you were always crying, though indeed that was terrifying. It wasn't that the whole breastfeeding thing had me flummoxed and teary-eyed in the middle of the night, though I really thought it might be the death of me when I came down with the dreaded mastitis. It was on an ordinary afternoon early on in my maternity leave and you were laying next to me on my bed while I was watching "Hotel Rwanda" for the first time ever. I'd seen many movies like it in the past. But suddenly! My heart was in my throat and I felt the beginnings of a panic attack coming on! Those children! They could be you! Suddenly all the sorrow in the world was my own and my fear was choking me! Little did I know that from that day on, every sad Today Show story, every news article about children trapped in an earthquake or talk of an orphan's home in South Dallas...those children felt like my child. There would never be enough hugs, or tears, to push away the fear that every parent encounters: that they might lose a child. It haunts me to this day - the notion that life has upped the ante, that I have more to lose today than I did a year ago.

But. Aside from the crippling fear came joy beyond measure.



I never understood how people could carry around photos of their children and expect me to care. And yet: a quick study of my iPhone will reveal hundreds of photos of you. Daddy and I would find ourselves calling each other only to discuss the barely perceptible new thing you had accomplished during that day: "Guess what." "What?" "Today she turned her head and was watching TV." "Seriously?!" "Yeah. And she smiled when the dog barked." We continually marvelled over your obvious talents. Someone call the Gifted Program.



Davy, I'm not gonna lie. Becoming a Momma was HARD. Every step stressed me out. Your father can attest to this: I am an anxiety hound and the lack of sleep only made it worse. But, bless your heart, you really were a good baby. By six months you slept through the night (though that damned Babywise had me thinking it would only take 9 weeks!). We learned quickly that as long as you were fed, you were up for whatever. After about 7 months of you and I hanging out I realized that you recognized me and maybe even really liked me being around. By 9 months I was certain that I had never really lived before you.

Your life has given me a whole new way of looking at mine. Let's take Daddy, for instance. Honey, you'd only been born for a few hours before it was painfully clear that I was never intended to marry anyone but your daddy. I remember holding you sometime around midnight on the day of your birth and looking over at your father who was fast asleep on the chair/couch next to me. I just burst into an estrogen cry fest because I suddenly realized something Jesus must have known for a thousand years or so - that Russell Page was always meant to be with me and meant to be your daddy. No one else would do. And Oh! The joy it brings me when I think of the totally different way you will know him as Daddy. Trust me: I know a thing or two about good daddies and you got yourself a good one.




Little girl, your personality is out like Clay Aiken. You are so intensely yourself. Here are some things to remember: everywhere we go, people say, "Oh my gosh! What a beautiful baby!" I used to think this was just something folks said to most babies until total strangers stopped me to ask if they could hold you. You smile at everyone. Hell, you'll babble coyly to anyone, too. "Those blue eyes!" If I had a nickel for every time I heard that. My prayer is that you will somehow escape the pressure that most girls feel by the time junior high rolls around: may you never measure yourself by your looks. It's too fleeting a weight to carry. May you somehow get it through your head that the stuff that lasts is the stuff the years can't change: your love for others, your tender heart. But if you succumb to those demons that your own mother bowed to - may you realize quickly that freedom lies in your Heavenly Father, the One Who loves you regardless of anything you can do for Him. Who knows your worth has nothing to do with performance, behavior or beauty.

Little girl, God brought you into my life to teach me the Great Lesson: how to love without being loved in return. Oh my. I never knew how selfish I was until you came along. For as long as I live I'll never be able to thank you for relieving me of the burden of ME. I just don't matter as much today as I did a year ago. And I know this is of God. Only He could use such a little thing to give me such a great gift. I can say with tears running down my face that you've taught me that this ol' life is full of surprises and pain...and that I would never trade it.



I love you, baby girl.

Love, Momma.

Someone Needs a Dose of Motrin and a Nap

...and that someone is me.



I don't know if it's teething or just general fussiness but my daughter has been acting like a premenstrual 15 year old. You wanna know how to get back at a fussy toddler? When they start crying, show them the video you took of them crying earlier! Hopefully the concept of time collapsing on itself will throw their little brain into sleep mode...

Things I Didn't Sign Up For

This heat (104+degrees) in Dallas is going to be the death of me. Yesterday I got up at 5am and went to the first workout for this season's White Rock Half Marathon class. It was already 82 by the time we started running at 5:30am. I tried to be peppy & encouraging as I led my group on the run but in my head I was thinking, "KILL ME NOW IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL TO SWEAT THIS MUCH AFTER 3 MINUTES OF EASY RUNNING!"

By end of day, I just wanted a good night's rest as our house labored to stay under 79 degrees indoors with the A/C blaring. I took just one lil' Tylenol PM hoping to sleep all night without any disturbances. Other people in our home didn't get this memo. At 3:30am I could faintly make out Davy crying through the haze of my medication-induced coma. Usually I'm fine with letting her cry it out but I also heard a dull thumping - suddenly my body went into Emergency Momma Mode and I flew out of bed fearing that she had gotten out of her crib.

On the way to my bedroom door, stumbling drunkenly in total darkness mind you, I sensed Fatty anxiously bumping against the door frame. Mystery thumping sound identified. I opened the door and he shot out of the bedroom like a bat outta hell. In my stupor I vaguely thought, "uh oh."

I've been weaning Davy for the past few weeks and it's been hard for us both: hard for me because it signifies the end of a sweet time in life. Hard for Davy because Woe to the one who comes between Davy and her food!! Woe, I say! The weeping and gnashing of teeth coming from the crib broke me so I nursed her in the middle of the night. Something I haven't done in many months.

Once she was down I was able to get my brain to tell my body, "left foot, right foot" back to my bedroom. But a nagging image of Fatty flying down the hall, toenails clickety clacking, was haunting me. I slowly made my way to the kitchen, turned on the light and saw what I had feared: Diarrhea Slaughterhouse 2009 all over the tiled floor.

The funny thing is that I barely flinched. It's like after almost of year of being a mom, liquid piles of poop on the floor don't even phase me. I just cleaned it all up, didn't even bother finding Fatty, who I'm sure had taken refuge in some dark hiding place, and shuffled back to my bed.

What a glamorous life I do lead.

Portrait of a Lil' Lady

My mother in-law has a dear friend who is an artist and she came over a few months ago to take some photos of Davy and I because she wanted to do a portrait for us. Last night she brought it over for the big reveal and I'm so pleased. While nothing can truly capture the loveliness of my daughter quite like looking through my own mommy eyes, this painting is such a neat gift. Feel free to go see Karen's website if you're ever interested in commissioning her!

11 Months: First Steps

Davy takes a few of her first steps for Mimi. At one point she took 10 on her own. Anyday now, peeps, and she'll be cruising around here like a tornado! I need life to slow down! You can see her doing a move we affectionately call the "bump and grind". When she's really tired, she buries her face in her blankie and does this move. Hilarious...I've been trying to catch it on video for months.

Things I Swear By: Baby Addition, newborns

While searching for nursery ideas for Johnna I was reminded of how tough it was to try to register for my first baby. Walking into Babies R Us and staring up into the great wall of bottles felt like I was visiting another country whose language I didn't speak. So I thought I'd throw my 2 cents into cyberspace to see if anyone cares! This addition of "Things I Swear By" is for babies in infancy.



First of all, we couldn't have gotten Davy home from the hospital without the Kiddopotamus' Snuzzler (see above). I remember convincing Russ to go get it the week before she was born and he was all, "Nah. We won't need it." But when we put Lil' Bit into the car seat there at Baylor Hospital, she looked so tiny and I was so grateful for the Snuzzler. It kept her from flopping all around on that precarious (to me) drive home. We used it for the first 3 months.


The Boppy was also immediately put to use. There are other pillows like Boppy, I'd just suggest getting something to help you breastfeed so that your back isn't killing you from slumping over your little one. *Even if you aren't planning on breastfeeding, the Boppy will save your arms - and Dad's arms as well!

Thank you to the Davidsons for loaning us their Fisher Price Nature's Touch Cradle Swing! Davy is now 20 pounds and she STILL loves to sit in the swing after breakfast. When she was just a smidge of a girl she would take naps in it. (note: most retailers will tell you not to do this - as if you're going to wake up that baby to go put them in the crib!)

See?


(for breastfeeding moms) There is NO way I would have made it through the past 10 months without this pump, the Medela Pump in Style. If you are forced to buy it for yourself, I would suggest that it might possibly be the best investment you'll make. Whether you are going back to work or not, this pump will ensure that even if you need to leave your baby with a sitter at the last minute, you can still pump a bottle's worth of food in just a few minutes. As I've increased my workload, this pump has also allowed me to keep my milk supply up. (Aren't you glad you stopped by here today?)

Oh people, we would be lost today were it not for baby blankets from Gymboree. We received one as a gift (along with MYRIADs of other blankets, all good ones) and something about the softness, the stretchiness, not to mention the adorableness of this blanket just made it so easy to swaddle Davy. We immediately began calling it "The Blanket." As in, "wait, where's The Blanket? These others don't work." I've since purchased several more. I think at least 3 are in her crib with her now. Anyone who has held Davy knows that if she's crying, just give her The Blanket and she'll hold it up to her face lovingly and calm right down.

I'm purposely not mentioning diapers or bottles here. We are Pampers and Medela bottle people but I promise every baby seems different in these areas - or, to be fair, every mommy has her own preferences! I'd welcome input from you on what you couldn't live without when your baby was an infant! I only had time for so many! More to come for older babies soon...

Lil' Video for Mommas

Mother's Day from Dexter Evans on Vimeo.

I hope it's okay that I'm putting this on here. My friend Alli helped create this video for her church's Mother's Day celebration and I think she did a pretty amazing job (she & Dexter)! You will see Miss Davy along with Andrea's Ella & Will. Also, the scene with multiple generations? Those are my friends, The Gaspards.

Enjoy!

A Little Honesty For the Here and Now

Ohhh, folks. Do you ever have those days when you are all out of sorts, more than tired, and simply down on yourself? I had one of those afternoons yesterday. The bummer was that it fell after a lovely morning when I had breakfast by myself at Corner Bakery and spent time delighting in a passage from the Bible. Those kinds of mornings are very rare (I had a client cancellation) and I thought that the rest of the day would be as blissful and sweet.

It wasn't.

By last night I began to recognize some depressing thoughts. I had gone from a feeling of contentment to the belief that I was a bad wife, mother, counselor and friend. I had a long list of phone calls, both work-related and personal, that I had yet to return. I felt overwhelmed by the idea that, "I'm letting everyone down." I forgot to baste the chicken breasts and they were dry after being grilled. "I'm a terrible cook - Russ must get so tired of my lack of creativity in the kitchen." I was bone-tired and had decided to miss a standing girl's night where I receive both accountability and true friendship. "They are going to be mad at me - they're going to think I don't really care about them."

And sometimes I read over other blogs that I typically enjoy and suddenly find myself comparing my life to the lives of these other women (who I don't know, don't share life with) ...and I end up feeling terrible. How do they have the time to have beautiful gardens, impromptu photo sessions with their children that look professional, the latest fashions, decorating skills, sewing "how-to's" and homemade recipes? Why do I feel so pitifully crappy in comparison?

See? I told you I was in a bad headspace.

I came across this poem here today.

Song for a Fifth Child.

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

(by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton)

It caught my breath a little. Tears sprang to my eyes. I felt validated. Because yesterday I made up a song for Davy and sang it to her and she laughed the whole way through. We took a walk and she babbled the whole time. I am choked up just thinking about the fact that she isn't comparing me to anyone else. I'm her Momma and I'm all she knows.

I have battled performance-driven Christianity for so long and I make my living showing people the way out of that madness. And yet here I am, blindsided by it again. What I mean by that is that it only takes a few hours for my thoughts to go from believing that my Savior has ransomed me from a belief that I have to work for His approval, for His love... to trying to earn it. He has given it to me freely and because it cost Him His very own life, He is hurt and offended when I attempt to prove myself to Him.

This little bit of honesty comes after posts upon posts of self-bragging, trying so hard to prove that I'm a cool, funny, intelligent person. Just being real, y'all. This train of thought probably appears a little jumbled and addled. That's okay. It only proves that I need my Savior badly - that I need His rescue from a world that judges me according to what I can DO, instead of Whose child I am.



(I put this photo on here for 2 reasons: One, because I am reminded that I don't love my mom for her cooking, cleaning, or any other motherly talent. I love her because she's my Momma! And two, so that you can see a little of the resemblance between D and I.)

The Paradoxes of God

This morning my dad preached on Romans 8 and the paradox of the knowledge that "we face death all day long, we are like sheep to the slaughter" and "who can separate us from the love of Christ?...In all these things we are more than conquerors.." Death versus conquering. It doesn't seem to make sense. And this is the walk of the believer.

In light of this, I am asking you to pray for someone I've never met. Please lift up Cari and her husband Andy. They lost their little baby girl last fall to a seizure and just over a week ago Cari woke up to her husband having a seizure. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor and has just had surgery to remove it. It doesn't seem fair. My first thought is to run to God, "Lord! You must have made a grave mistake here! They can't take this, especially now!" Surely He didn't mean to give them double sorrow, double fears.

This life with Him is a paradox. But we know that there is nothing that can pull us from His grasp and we know that Messiah has provided victory over the last enemy to be destroyed: death.

If you go check out Cari's blog, pray also for her health as she is pregnant with a little boy due soon. I took the time to read over the archives of her blog tonight and my faith has been strengthened. (my t-shirt is stained with mascara but it was worth it)

Good Friday

My favorite passage on Jesus is from Isaiah 53. And my favorite verses from that passage are 5 and 6:
⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

⁶ We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

I'm so grateful that the story doesn't end on Friday!

She has nothing to do with this post. I was just trying to take a pretty photo outdoors. Her look is all thirteen years old: "Mo-THER. This is so lame."

Isn't She Lovely?

So Davy cut her first tooth this past week. And then she promptly returned to her usual temperament of smiles and gurgling. Except...

Sometimes Davy gets a little worked up when I enter the room - it usually has to do with her being hungry. Today I came home from the grocery store to find D and Russ sitting in the sofa chair, snuggled together, watching a movie. Before she caught wind of me, she was contentedly sucking on a pacifier and close to falling asleep. However, once she saw me she sat up! She started fussing loudly and staring pointedly at my chest. She then worked herself into a wail. It's like she has this crazy crush on me and life can be all good until I walk into the room. Then she just loses her cool and begins crying and grabbing for me.

This must be what the Jonas Brothers feel like.

It's Wednesday and I typically have more time to write new posts, being that I don't work today but we have a doctor's appointment to make sure that Davy has gotten over her ear infections. Lately I've heard myself complaining about her sicknesses, her teething, and the hard phase of 6 months when babies are caught between the first stages of mobility (squirming out of your arms and wanting to grab everything) but aren't yet able to crawl or walk. It is so easy to whine about how hard it is to be a mother. For some reason, I'm tempted all the more to joke or be sarcastic or behave like a martyr when I'm with other moms.

But I'm reminded of several things today: I think of some of my sweet friends who are trying to get pregnant and experiencing the sorrow and frustration of wondering why their bodies aren't cooperating. I'm so grateful that they are allowing me to be on this road with them, sharing the feelings and letting me peek behind the curtain on this phase of their lives. I'm also reminded of so many close friends who have recently been through the heartache of miscarriage. One of my best friends once said that what was the most painful to endure after her miscarriage was the complaining of her friends who were mothers - that the baby wasn't sleeping or the baby was crying a lot or any number of things we tend to gripe about. My friend shared that she knew they were just venting (and goodness knows venting can be good) but that it tore at her insides, knowing she had lost her baby, that there was no baby to cry or fuss or be awake at nights.

Those of you who know me well know that I often battle fear in it's many forms: anxiety, worry, control, obsession. I have to be careful what I read, what I focus on. But I want to add a video today not as a means to upset anyone (myself included) or to force you to watch something painful. I just keep thinking about and praying for The Macs. I couldn't get one minute into Cora's video before I went and grabbed Davy. I realize that when I am worn out at trying to "play" with her or keep her entertained, that I need to refocus, get some perspective. What a wonderful burden to have: a growing baby who takes up your time. I confess that I cried all over her this morning.

LC, this is why we need to take so many family photos!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Magic Tree

Maggie, over at Mighty Junior, found the Magic Tree here. OHMIGOSH. Did you ever play with this? I know I did but I also know for a fact that my parents didn't pay that kind of cash for it. Seriously, this is one of the things I get excited about as far as parenting goes - Momma needs a benefactor...

Because they are still on my mind

Let's keep praying for Jess and Joel, the parents of Cora Paige. I think of how a very little life can change so many people...I love how God uses the "foolish" things of the world to shame the wise. He uses little ones to impact us big'uns. My heart is still so broken for The Macs.

Exersaucin'

Teething, two ear infections, loads of drool and snot - but dang, she's cute.

Crabby McCrabcakes

Why do babies fight going down for a nap? If someone were to take me into a darkened room with a sound machine playing the noises of a gurgling brook, tell me it's "time for night-night", wrap me in my softest blankie, and then rock me gently while humming in my ear, I'd be their love slave for life.

Someone else in our house feels differently.

Update: well, I now know why the munchkin was so fussy - at her 6 month checkup the doc told me that she has ear infections in both ears and is also teething. I'm sorry, little girl.

Six Months!

Sweet Davy girl,
You turned 6 months old yesterday and it feels like I blinked and half a year just zoomed by! It was hard to believe that six months ago I was in labor with you, completely oblivious to how much my life was about to change.

So many people told me I would be in love with you from the very moment I saw you. I can honestly say that the first feeling I had for you was awe...and then...fear. I loved you, for sure, but more than anything I was a little scared of you.

Since you were just a day old, the first comment that most people make about you is that you look like your Daddy. Man, that kills me! I love your Daddy and personally think he's hot, something that you'll most likely never want to hear again from me - but you're my little girl and I really want you to look like me, too! This photo of you, however, proves that we'll never need a DNA test for you - you are definitely your father's daughter.

You were such a little thing six months ago. I had to work hard to give you those thunder thighs you're hauling around now. Even since your early days you've been a really, really good little baby. You took to a schedule right away, even though it took awhile for us to get the whole feeding thing down. You have such a sweet countenance and easy going manner. For your first 3 months it was mostly just you and me, day in and day out. I was probably a little obsessive at first about taking you anywhere - so you and i just BONDED.

Your dad and I have bonded too over these six months. We never knew we had it in us to be your parents. I'm thankful that God knew we did. I have to say that your dad has really surprised me. I always knew he'd be a good Daddy but I had No. Idea. that he would be so great at all that goes into it! His favorite thing is to race me to your room when it's time to wake you up. He likes to be the one that picks you up and gets to see your face the moment you open your eyes. That's something I'll always love about him.

We have a whole new respect and joy for family now. I love that you will know your grandparents and your cousins (even the ones yet to be born) and that they will play such a big role in your life! You are so blessed to be born into this family - every single person in our big ol' extended family loves you so much and is someone that I want you to get to know. We are relying on all of them to help us raise you.

For me, you've already taught me so much about myself. Your Dad always says that getting married makes a man grow up and that having a baby makes a woman grow up. I do feel like I've grown more since you've come into my life than ever before. Having you makes me feel confident about myself, helps me to think less about myself. God is using you to take away some of my insecurities, partly because they pale in comparison to the joy of being responsible for you. Now, He's also shown me again just how fearful and controlling I can be. I promise to work on this before you become a teenager!

We took you to Ft. Worth this weekend and I loved all your new changes: eating baby food (hating the peas and loving the applesauce), laughing with us, and generally just being a very happy baby.

My greatest prayer for you in the next six months is only that I would be grateful for each day spent with you. I don't always understand how God works and why He does the things He does...but I know He is good. I want to be able to live in a way that teaches this to you.

I love you, little baby girl.

Getting the Thousand Words Painted

Being the kind of mom that I am, I was pretty close to having my monthly guilt trip about not having gotten any professional photos taken of Miss Pretty Pretty Princess. She's so stinkin' cute now and it seems like everyday brings new accomplishments: sleeping on her tummy, able to sit on her own, laughing...

A few weeks ago I searched out my old Kanakuk friend, Janet, who has begun her own photography business. Little did I know that she would show up and work some magic while I basically just had a typical morning with Davy. I had no idea what to expect, I just knew that I wanted a very natural setting and I wanted to capture my little girl's simple beauty.

HELLO!
go here
click on "site"
click "client images"

That's my girl! And there's so many more where that came from. The best part was that Janet and I sat down, had coffee, caught up on all kinds of life and generally had ourselves a great morning. She made the whole experience such a peaceful, enjoyable time. I highly recommend her!