The Answer

I've realized something: music is a medium by which I feel closest to God. I spent my morning off scouring YouTube for videos of songs I love. The video above is called "The Answer" by Shane Barnard & Shane Everett. And I'm going to go out on a limb to say that this song has probably had the most impact on my life than any other song. Gasp! I know!

In 2002 I went through a debilitating clinical depression. It had probably been brewing for almost a year before and I certainly handled it in ways that only exacerbated my symptoms. I had no idea what was happening to me partly because I'm a performance-driven person and partly because I had never experienced anything like it before. As the symptoms mounted, I even decided on a date for my suicide, worked out a plan.* If you've been through a depression you know what happened to me: exhaustion, insurmountable self-loathing, loss of interest in work and friends, crying jags, loneliness and unending emptiness. It was like God went and hid behind the clouds.

Music would sometimes make the clouds part. I could sense God in those moments and the reprieve from the crushing sorrow was refreshing. This song was probably played more by me in the summer of '02 than I can ever recall. Because I was in full-time youth ministry during that time, depression felt like I was marked for ruin. It was while I was on a mission trip to the mountains of Venezuela that I discovered this song on the album "Psalms". I would listen to "The Answer" over and over as a means of separating myself from the idea that I had become anathema.

"I have found the answer is to love You and be loved by You alone. All right.
You crucified me and the world to me
And I will only boast in You. All right."

That was all I had.

Katy, you'll remember this: our K-Life group had a golf tournament during that summer and because I was so completely physically & mentally exhausted, I spent the entire time worrying that people could see through me and that they were discussing my failures and shortcomings every time I turned my back. The paranoia was awful. But I made it through the day, fake smile on my face and my body feeling like it would collapse. As soon as I got in my car, I immediately turned on this song and I can remember sensing that the Lord was truly smiling down on me. That He was there, in my car, that He loved me, that He was carrying me. I wept and wept and played this song on repeat while I drove home.

The truth became clear much later (after therapy and a year of working the 12 Steps): I was never meant to be "good enough" for youth ministry. I was never meant to boast in myself or fill up on myself. The Answer was that I've been crucified in Christ (Gal. 2:20) and I have nothing to boast in but Him (Eph. 2:9). Who knew the pathway out of depression was that simple?

ANYWAY: that was a LOT of history to tell you that God has used music in my life to rescue me from depression, to draw me to His side, to give me moments of joy, to help me express myself, to make sense of Scripture...the list goes on. Are you like me? Or do you have other mediums by which you feel near to the side of God?

Go here to find out how you experience closeness to God.

Quiz from Sacred Pathway by Gary Thomas.

*If you are experiencing symptoms like these and think you might be suffering from depression, you can go here to find a Christian counselor near you.

Don't Stop Till You Cry Enough

I am so sorry, Paris. It's not fair, having to share your only daddy's death with everyone in the world. When everyone else is crying just as hard as you, it steals away some grief.

I've felt cynical and annoyed ever since hearing about Michael Jackson's death. The media frenzy that centers on exploiting every.last.tidbit of information about celebrity makes me feel weary. Even watching part of the tribute today I felt irritated with the god-status that some seemed to bestow on Michael Jackson. But then when Marlon Jackson spoke, I realized how painful it must be to try to mourn the loss of a loved one of whom everyone had a piece.

And now I feel sad. Just listening to his music has brought back a lot of nostalgia and memories. I have so many thoughts but I'll keep quiet and just listen to the music...

Beautiful Marriage

I know, it's feast or famine here at Bookmark This Page. I'm feeling a little better this week. So! I bring you this lovely song. You know from this post that I love Coldplay's "Viva La Vida".




This arrangement of "Viva La Vida" paired with Taylor Swift's "Love Story" is so beautiful. Even better is the explanation near the end of why Jon Schmidt married the two. Miss Davy was screaming her head off in her crib but when I played this for her, she began dancing.

Thanks, Kat Bennet!

I love this!* Look at all their little faces, so earnest, so eager to sing. I really believe anyone can be a great singer with some good instruction. God bless that music teacher. I remember all my music teachers through the years!

Here are the lyrics if you're wondering. It's a song about humility, about the fall from grace. It calls to mind old Nebuchadnezzar in Daniel 4. This rendition is just as good as the one Coldplay performed at their concert back in November!

Viva La Vida
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field

For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

*thanks, Rob!

Music for the Moment

Last year over the Fourth of July we sat atop the Carreker lake house watching the fireworks and playing a game called "what outfit, what food, and what song for the moment". This is game that I think I invented. I say I think because surely other people have these thoughts! It goes something like this: If you were in Edinburgh, Scotland at a little pub near the High Street, what outfit would you be wearing, what food would you be eating and what song would be playing?

OUTFIT:



FOOD:



(haggis & Guinness)

SONG:

The Smiths' "There Is a Light That Never Goes Out" (covered by Joseph Arthur)

I was thinking that every once in awhile I'd ask you guys about what kind of music you'd listen to in certain moments. I think it's the easiest of the questions for those of us who adore music. So here's my question:

Let's say it's a blustery post-New Year's evening. You are home with a fire in the fireplace in your favorite spot in the house, enjoying a glass/mug of wine/coffee/favorite tea/insert your relaxing drink here and pondering life. What song are you listening to?

Please de-lurk in the comments below.