The Answer

I've realized something: music is a medium by which I feel closest to God. I spent my morning off scouring YouTube for videos of songs I love. The video above is called "The Answer" by Shane Barnard & Shane Everett. And I'm going to go out on a limb to say that this song has probably had the most impact on my life than any other song. Gasp! I know!

In 2002 I went through a debilitating clinical depression. It had probably been brewing for almost a year before and I certainly handled it in ways that only exacerbated my symptoms. I had no idea what was happening to me partly because I'm a performance-driven person and partly because I had never experienced anything like it before. As the symptoms mounted, I even decided on a date for my suicide, worked out a plan.* If you've been through a depression you know what happened to me: exhaustion, insurmountable self-loathing, loss of interest in work and friends, crying jags, loneliness and unending emptiness. It was like God went and hid behind the clouds.

Music would sometimes make the clouds part. I could sense God in those moments and the reprieve from the crushing sorrow was refreshing. This song was probably played more by me in the summer of '02 than I can ever recall. Because I was in full-time youth ministry during that time, depression felt like I was marked for ruin. It was while I was on a mission trip to the mountains of Venezuela that I discovered this song on the album "Psalms". I would listen to "The Answer" over and over as a means of separating myself from the idea that I had become anathema.

"I have found the answer is to love You and be loved by You alone. All right.
You crucified me and the world to me
And I will only boast in You. All right."

That was all I had.

Katy, you'll remember this: our K-Life group had a golf tournament during that summer and because I was so completely physically & mentally exhausted, I spent the entire time worrying that people could see through me and that they were discussing my failures and shortcomings every time I turned my back. The paranoia was awful. But I made it through the day, fake smile on my face and my body feeling like it would collapse. As soon as I got in my car, I immediately turned on this song and I can remember sensing that the Lord was truly smiling down on me. That He was there, in my car, that He loved me, that He was carrying me. I wept and wept and played this song on repeat while I drove home.

The truth became clear much later (after therapy and a year of working the 12 Steps): I was never meant to be "good enough" for youth ministry. I was never meant to boast in myself or fill up on myself. The Answer was that I've been crucified in Christ (Gal. 2:20) and I have nothing to boast in but Him (Eph. 2:9). Who knew the pathway out of depression was that simple?

ANYWAY: that was a LOT of history to tell you that God has used music in my life to rescue me from depression, to draw me to His side, to give me moments of joy, to help me express myself, to make sense of Scripture...the list goes on. Are you like me? Or do you have other mediums by which you feel near to the side of God?

Go here to find out how you experience closeness to God.

Quiz from Sacred Pathway by Gary Thomas.

*If you are experiencing symptoms like these and think you might be suffering from depression, you can go here to find a Christian counselor near you.

Snapshots from Haiti

My friend Missy has spent this past week in Haiti with a group called Visiting Orphans. She is staying in an orphanage far outside of Port au Prince where many other orphans are being transferred to for safety. Many of the kids were made orphans by the earthquake.

Anyway, Missy has been blogging about the trip and this post tells a few short stories via some photos. (Missy, were these all done on your iPhone?)

Check it out.

Storms

I am sitting on my back porch while a huge storm rolls in. Tree branches shaking, rain pelting our windows, the thunder is deafening - I will need to go inside soon and find refuge. It is a physical depiction of what my heart has been through the past week.

Last week I got some bad news concerning some people I love and a place that has been dear to my heart. Someone who seemed as strong as one of the old live oaks in my back yard fell from grace in such a way that the damage will take years to clear away from so many lives. My mind couldn't even accept the truth when I heard it...denial, shock, anger, sorrow.

Some folks who visit here don't know what I do for a living. I'm a counselor. This blog is not the place that I talk about my work. But I do hash out my emotions here. So, I can share that what I do at work all day is weather some very scary storms with people. I walk with people through pain. I hear bad news all day. It's hard. I don't write that to garner pity from anyone. But it takes it's toll at times. Most days I feel the weight of the privilege it is to hear the stories and share the burdens - I truly cherish my job.

But the other morning as I was driving to a very early running workout I just began sobbing in my car. There were no other cars on the street and I had nothing to distract me. I began the dangerous business of thinking about this person who fell and about those who have been hurt by him. I also began thinking about several other people who I knew were hurting just then. And the only thing that came to my mind was: "Come, Lord Jesus."

Sometimes this old world seems to hold so much pain and sorrow that the only comfort is to wish that Christ would return and make everything new. My goodness...the gratitude I have in knowing it is so much more than a wish...

Just like this storm outside my window has forced me indoors, I believe in a Refuge, a Place to run for cover.

For You have been a refuge for me,
A tower of strength against the enemy.
Psalm 61:3

In one of the most quoted sonnets by Shakespeare, he talks about love.

"Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove;
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken."
(Sonnet 116)

I need reminding that God is not shaken by all these storms in my life. This is how He loves me.

If you stopped by here will you pray with me for two people? Rachael's brother and sister-in-law gave birth last Friday to Connor, who died the same day he was born. Please pray for them as they grieve. I think of the empty nursery and I just can't keep it together. And will you pray also for Cari? A year ago tomorrow her beautiful, chubby, happy baby girl Caden died suddenly. I have never met Cari but I am so grateful for her honesty as she writes with candor and tears about the road she is walking. I've been in love with Caden since I found her blog. I know tomorrow (9/22) will be a hard day. Thank you, Jesus, for giving us eternity to meet these two precious babies...

Little Ella Girl

One of my besties, Andrea, is needing your prayers for her daughter, Ella. Most of you who read my blog will know immediately who Andrea & Ella are but just in case you don't, please go to Andrea's blog to read about her little girl:

The Mitchells Blog

When Ella was born she suffered from seizures that hurt her brain...which led to a diagnosis of Cerebral Palsy. (that's my very non-medical explanation) She has been such a light and a joy to her family and so many others. But this morning Andrea's babysitter/caretaker discovered Ella in her bed, seizing. They called 911 and EMTs rushed her to the hospital. This is the same hospital that Ella was born in, the same one that she first went into seizures just after her birth. It's where she spent weeks before being released to come home with her Mom and Dad. As you can imagine, just being there brings about hard memories for Andrea and Joe, her Daddy.

The timing, as if it could be anything else, is terrible. Ella is weeks from her 3rd birthday. She has been accepted into a program that uses a special kind of therapy/education to work with children with disabilities. You can read here how Andrea was processing through Ella's comprehension issues. I know she is really scared about how the seizures this morning have effected Ella's brain now.

Please pray with me: I'm asking the Lord to supernaturally protect and heal Ella's brain. I'm praying for Joe and Andrea, that they would take comfort in the only One Who has the power to heal and Who understands Ella's condition better than anyone. Pray for renewed strength, as both of them are worn out emotionally and physically. Pray for optimism from the doctors and wisdom as they look at the CT scans and possible EEGs. And I know that my friends desire above all things to be a light to others, to allow their struggles to shine light on Jesus and His goodness.

Thank you, friends. If anything, it is such a comfort to know that you will read and pray - even for people you've never met.

The Paradoxes of God

This morning my dad preached on Romans 8 and the paradox of the knowledge that "we face death all day long, we are like sheep to the slaughter" and "who can separate us from the love of Christ?...In all these things we are more than conquerors.." Death versus conquering. It doesn't seem to make sense. And this is the walk of the believer.

In light of this, I am asking you to pray for someone I've never met. Please lift up Cari and her husband Andy. They lost their little baby girl last fall to a seizure and just over a week ago Cari woke up to her husband having a seizure. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor and has just had surgery to remove it. It doesn't seem fair. My first thought is to run to God, "Lord! You must have made a grave mistake here! They can't take this, especially now!" Surely He didn't mean to give them double sorrow, double fears.

This life with Him is a paradox. But we know that there is nothing that can pull us from His grasp and we know that Messiah has provided victory over the last enemy to be destroyed: death.

If you go check out Cari's blog, pray also for her health as she is pregnant with a little boy due soon. I took the time to read over the archives of her blog tonight and my faith has been strengthened. (my t-shirt is stained with mascara but it was worth it)

Prayers Needed

Everyday I read the blogs of a set of twin sisters: Darby and Erika. I've never met them but we have several mutual friends who attended Auburn with them both. These girls are both talented in their own rights, one a mommy and the other an interior designer & soon to be mommy. Today Erika's husband Chance has suffered a fall that's left him with bleeding on the brain. You can read an update on Darby's blog (see above) but either way, say a prayer for Chance right now. After the sad incident with Natasha Richardson, I know a brain injury is terribly scary for them.

The Job No One Wants

I've been sort of quiet this week about the shooting at First Baptist Maryville, IL that occurred last Sunday. I'm sad every time I hear about a shooting that reminds me of what happened at Wedgwood Baptist 10 years ago. It's been ten years, you know? Honestly, there are times when I think, "now we can just move on...now we can finally be done with it all." But the minute I heard about what happened to Fred Winters last week, I immediately knew that my dad would be in the spotlight. And that troubles me - only because it seems depressing at times that he is sort of the go-to guy for shootings. I honestly don't like that my dad is known for being the pastor of the church where one of the first large-scale shootings occurred, for several reasons: it cost us quite a few precious lives to gain that kind of notoriety. Also, it somehow seems to taint his ministry - to make his shepherding be about trauma & crisis instead of the longstanding passion and commitment that it has been. This kind of recognition is weird - I feel uncomfortable when folks say, "Wedgwood? Al Meredith? How do I know that name?" People are unnaturally drawn to tragedy - and I include myself here - like each one of us rubbernecks as we drive past an accident.

If September 15, 1999 had never happened, Dad would still believe that God is present, near, and faithful in tragedy. Were you to know him like I do, you would know that he came to believe this not due to the shooting, but due to his own personal pain. He would tell you that he isn't a good counselor, that he often lacks in mercy and compassion. But he loves to preach the Truth. And he is just messy enough as a person to be approachable as a pastor.

So, I am really grieving for the family of Fred Winters, and for his "flock." There is an imperfect fellow headed their way this weekend. I know he never wanted this job of being the expert on church shootings...but then again, that's the thing about signing up with God.

If you've stopped by here, say a prayer for them all.

It's Wednesday and I typically have more time to write new posts, being that I don't work today but we have a doctor's appointment to make sure that Davy has gotten over her ear infections. Lately I've heard myself complaining about her sicknesses, her teething, and the hard phase of 6 months when babies are caught between the first stages of mobility (squirming out of your arms and wanting to grab everything) but aren't yet able to crawl or walk. It is so easy to whine about how hard it is to be a mother. For some reason, I'm tempted all the more to joke or be sarcastic or behave like a martyr when I'm with other moms.

But I'm reminded of several things today: I think of some of my sweet friends who are trying to get pregnant and experiencing the sorrow and frustration of wondering why their bodies aren't cooperating. I'm so grateful that they are allowing me to be on this road with them, sharing the feelings and letting me peek behind the curtain on this phase of their lives. I'm also reminded of so many close friends who have recently been through the heartache of miscarriage. One of my best friends once said that what was the most painful to endure after her miscarriage was the complaining of her friends who were mothers - that the baby wasn't sleeping or the baby was crying a lot or any number of things we tend to gripe about. My friend shared that she knew they were just venting (and goodness knows venting can be good) but that it tore at her insides, knowing she had lost her baby, that there was no baby to cry or fuss or be awake at nights.

Those of you who know me well know that I often battle fear in it's many forms: anxiety, worry, control, obsession. I have to be careful what I read, what I focus on. But I want to add a video today not as a means to upset anyone (myself included) or to force you to watch something painful. I just keep thinking about and praying for The Macs. I couldn't get one minute into Cora's video before I went and grabbed Davy. I realize that when I am worn out at trying to "play" with her or keep her entertained, that I need to refocus, get some perspective. What a wonderful burden to have: a growing baby who takes up your time. I confess that I cried all over her this morning.

LC, this is why we need to take so many family photos!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Because they are still on my mind

Let's keep praying for Jess and Joel, the parents of Cora Paige. I think of how a very little life can change so many people...I love how God uses the "foolish" things of the world to shame the wise. He uses little ones to impact us big'uns. My heart is still so broken for The Macs.

In Memory

Sometimes there really are no words.

Dear friends, we don't even know each other but you are on my heart and mind today as you hold the funeral for your baby girl. I have no words at all to try to comfort you but I am praying for you over and over again today.

I read all about Cora and find myself so sorrowful, so completely brokenhearted for her parents. This is one of those days when I don't understand, God. This family took their beautiful baby girl to the doctor on Jan. 22 and today they are having her funeral. I don't say this to be morbid - just to share that life is so short and so precious.

If you read this, please stop right where you are and pray for the McClenahans, that God would show them His goodness even as they mourn.

I wrote all of that and then broke down crying.

Right then God reminded me of a verse in 1 Cor. 15:

"If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men." (v.19)

and:
"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (vv. 55-57)

Cora Paige yet lives.

Would Jesus Drink Decaf?

Todd showed this clip last night at church. I've been thinking about it a lot because it pretty much sums up my time in prayer. I've been missing out. I tend to talk about 50 times more than I listen.

Also, I'm a glory hog. I want to write this down for you all because as I was reading another blog I was so convicted about my struggle with wanting approval and praise from others. It was ironic to see it on someone else's blog after a weekend of battling these thoughts.

Prayer for Hannah

I found out today that one of my old K-Life and Kanakuk girls has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Hannah is 21 years old and a senior at Wheaton College. She is from Dallas and Russ used to work at her dad's law firm. Hannah and her older sister Katie were some of my favorite K-Life kids...I have a memory of them stealing my Blankie from me on a ski trip...so the fact that I still love them says A LOT.

Seriously, wanna see faith in action from a relatively young person? Go read Hannah's blog.

I'm praying especially for Hannah's parents as they allow her to stay in Wheaton next semester to receive her chemotherapy. I can only imagine how scared they must be. Let's pray for comfort for them and for wisdom for the doctors involved. And for healing!