Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Coming Up For Air

I had an experience yesterday afternoon that made me want to write a little more in depth about my thoughts of late. As I was leaving work yesterday the sun was shining, people were jogging along the Katy Trail, and I had a flash of...dare I say it...simple happiness. Between the hours of 8 and noon I had gone grocery shopping, caught up with a coworker, sat in on a weekly meeting that I hadn't been to in 6 months, had an encouraging session with a client and had left the office feeling productive and like an active member of society. It felt like the clouds were parting.

For the past 5 months I have been laboring under what I could best describe as a cloud of fear. I am a very social person; an extrovert who is energized by relationships. I'm one of those people who, if it's possible, might have too many friends. It's a wonderful problem to have. But having Davy in August caused me to not just slow down but to completely halt my social life. I didn't really talk to people who weren't in my immediate family (unless I was calling Rachael with a breastfeeding question!). Folks would email or call...and I would just let it go. I was overwhelmed. I was sleep-deprived. I didn't know how to be me with such a lack of energy...or clean hair for that matter.

Like everyone else in this economic climate, I need to work. And it's a blessing to have work right now. But I was so fearful. I was straight scared about how to do this now dual role of mommy & therapist. I knew how to be a therapist...just not how to juggle it with what my life had become from August to December. Some good things came out of me living in a hole for 5 months: I've learned that I can't meet 50 people for coffee in a week. I've learned that nights at home with my baby and my husband make for a great night. I've learned that 7 hours of sleep is better than being able to afford a manicure. I've learned that Davy is a priority. If it's not good for her, it's just not good.

I also learned that I needed to get out of my fear and take the kid to a restaurant. If she cries, she cries. But it's worth it to have a real meal out in the real world. I gotta get back out there. I also learned that I can pour into the core people in my life and that they would sustain me. Aside from our families, Russ and I have been blessed with a handful of people with whom we share the whole kit & kaboodle of life. They know about our faults, our fights, our finances, even our sex lives. They are, for some reason, willing to walk through the mess and joy of this journey with us. Thanks, you.

So if you called or emailed in the past 5 months and thought, which part of the earth did Beck fall off of?, here's the explanation. But I'm doing good today. I sure hope I don't jinx it by talking about it but I feel really good.

The Bible describes God as "the lifter of my head" and that's exactly how I feel about Him right now. He has reached down and lifted my head and I am so grateful.


Rachael said...

I love you so and thank you so much for your honesty. I had a similar experience and talk with the Lord the other day. I know that knowing me you may fiond this hard to believe, but the last few years I have fallen into a major pattern of isolation. I realized the other day that it has only been compounded by having a baby, It made it so easy to make excuses for not hanging out. I realized this is not my true nature and it is time to return to my first loves. I am a social creature and need to start behaving like it. The clouds are parting for me as well friend. I am so thankful to have made so much of this journey with you.
Be blessed,

The Mitchells said...

is it weird that your faults and honesty are my favorite things about you

lindsay said...

Holla if ya hear me-

And by the way... the Lord lifts MY head everytime I talk to you. So, thanks you too.